O, The Oprah Magazine  |  From the May 2003 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Forgiving our parents is a core task of adulthood, and one of the most crucial kinds of forgiveness. We see our parents in our mates, in our friends, in our bosses, even in our children. When we’ve felt rejected by a parent and have remained in that state, we will inevitably feel rejected by these important others as well.

But letting our parents off the hook, psychologist Robert Karen says, is the first step toward happiness, self-acceptance and maturity. Here are some thoughts to help the healing begin:

Resolve resentment.
Nursing resentments toward a parent does more than keep that parent in the doghouse. We get stuck there, too, forever the child, the victim, the have-not in the realm of love. Strange as it may seem, a grudge is a kind of clinging, a way of not separating, and when we hold a grudge against a parent, we are clinging not just to the parent, but more specifically to the bad part of the parent. It’s as if we don’t want to live our lives until we have this resolved and feel the security of their unconditional love. We do so for good reasons psychologically. But the result is just the opposite: We stay locked into the badness and we don’t grow up.

Develop realistic expectations.
The sins of parents are among the most difficult to forgive. We expect the world of them, and we do not wish to lower our expectations. Decade after decade, we hold out the hope, often unconsciously, that they will finally do right by us. We want them to own up to all their misdeeds, to apologize, to make heartfelt pleas for our forgiveness. We want our parents to embrace us, to tell us they know we were good children, to undo the favoritism they’ve shown to a brother or sister, to take back their hurtful criticisms, to give us their praise.

Hold on to the good.
Most parents love their children, with surprisingly few exceptions. But no parent is perfect—which means that everyone has childhood wounds. If we’re lucky, our parents were good enough for us to be able to hold on to the knowledge of their love for us and our love for them, even in the face of the things they did that hurt us.

Foster true separation.
To forgive is not to condone the bad things our parents have done. It’s not to deny their selfishness, their rejections, their meanness, their brutality, or any of the other misdeeds, character flaws, or limitations that may attach to them. It is important to separate from our parents—which is to stop seeing ourselves as children who depend on them for our emotional well-being, to stop being their victims, to recognize that we are adults with some capacity to shape our own lives and the responsibility to do so.

Let your parents back into your heart.
When we do that, we can begin to understand the circumstances and limitations they labored under, recognize the goodness in them that our pain has pushed aside, feel some compassion perhaps, not only for the hard journey they had but also for the pain we have caused them.

Commit to the journey.
Getting to a forgiving place, finding the forgiving self inside us, is a long and complicated journey. We have to be ready to forgive. We have to want to forgive. The deeper the wound, the more difficult the process—which makes forgiving parents especially hard. Along the way, we may have to express our protest, we may have to be angry and resentful, we may even have to punish our parents by holding a grudge. But when we get there, the forgiveness we achieve will be a forgiveness worth having.

For further information/related articles, please continue to : Oprah.com

found on Huffington Post by Kevin Griffin, Author of One Breath at a Time: Buddhism and the Twelve Steps’

A monthly exploration of addiction and recovery through the lens of Buddhism.

Step One: Powerless

“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol [drugs, food, sex, etc.], that our lives had become unmanageable.”

People often tell me that they have trouble with the word “powerless” in the first of the 12 Steps. They’ll say, “I’m not powerless; there are lots of things I can do. ” They think they’re being told that they are helpless victims of their addiction. Others tell me that they think it makes for a victim mentality that pervades 12 Step programs.

The language of the Steps is often difficult to take in. There is the simple fact that language has changed a great deal since the Steps were written in the 1930s. But I also think that the founders of AA who wrote the 12 Steps were intentionally using somewhat extreme language to get our attention. If they’d said, “We admitted alcohol was a problem for us,” or even “We admitted we couldn’t control our use of alcohol,” it might have been more accurate, but it wouldn’t have had the same impact as saying “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol.” Questions of style aside, though, what these early members of AA found was that the best time to approach someone about their drinking problem was when they were at their lowest — hungover or at the end of a bender. Whether they were literally powerless or not wasn’t the point. That’s how it felt. And the admission of powerlessness leads to the response that the program is trying to evoke: surrender.

This struggle with the word powerless is often just the first of many complaints about the language of the Steps. And underneath the complaints is often just a desire to avoid the real issue: your problem with alcohol, drugs, food, sex or some other addiction. Focusing on the minutiae of the 12 Step language lets you sidestep the larger issue. This is why, ultimately, I’m not that interested in debating the language of the Steps. What I want to get at is the process that the Steps are pointing to.

Obviously the Steps were designed to help people stop their addiction and stay stopped. But I think that their underlying structure is based on a broader template for spiritual transformation. The function of the first Step then is more than just telling us we have a problem with addiction. It is the realization that the whole premise of our pleasure-seeking lives is flawed. Another classic template for spiritual transformation makes this same statement: the Buddha’s Four Noble Truths.

The Buddha starts his teaching with the recognition of all the ways that life is challenging, physically and mentally: that we’re often stuck with what we don’t want or wishing we had something else; that we inevitably get old and sick and die. Just like Step One, he’s trying to get us to see past the surface to what’s really going on. The starting point of both paths, then, is to see the truth: in 12 Step terms, to come out of denial; in Buddhist terms, to shed delusion. To begin on any spiritual path, and to deal with the destructive power of addiction, we have to be honest with ourselves.

For the addict or alcoholic this honesty is about admitting, as the Step says, that we have a problem, that our life isn’t working. For the Buddhist, this honesty is about recognizing that the way we have been approaching life is unrealistic. Until we come to this point, called “Right View” in Buddhism and “a moment of clarity” in AA, there’s no chance that we will change. As long as we believe that pleasure-seeking and acquisition are the way to happiness, and that all we have to do is get better at acquiring and holding on to things, we will never resolve the real problem. That’s because, as the Buddha tells us, what’s actually causing suffering is the very attempts to control and acquire, our craving and clinging. He points out that, since everything is constantly changing, there’s nothing that we can actually control or hold on to. His strategy, then, is to let go, to surrender — exactly the solution offered by the 12 Steps.

And this all starts with the honest recognition of how things work. When Step One says we are powerless, this is the idea that’s we’re being encouraged to see, that our attempt to create a perfect world out of imperfect parts is doomed to fail. We have to see what is happening: that drinking and using by their very nature cannot bring happiness, that pursuing pleasure is not a life strategy, and that surrendering to the truth and abandoning our addiction, though painful at first, is actually the beginning of the path to recovery, happiness and spiritual transformation.

Exercise: The Cause of Suffering

Begin by sitting quietly for a few minutes. Try to consciously relax the body, and just be aware of your breathing. Once you’ve settled a bit, ask yourself “What am I holding on to that is causing me suffering?” This might be anything from an object, to a behavior, to a relationship. It might involve substances like drugs or food; it might involve a viewpoint or opinion that causes us problems at work or at home; it might be about some loss we’ve suffered. There may be multiple things you are holding on to. Once you have a sense of what these things are, ask yourself, “What would happen if I simply let go?” What if I let go of the behavior or the opinion or the grief?

Sometimes simply seeing the problem is enough to inspire us to let go. For many things, though, it’s a process, and that’s what the rest of the 12 Steps are meant to help us with.

original source: HuffingtonPost.com (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kevin-griffin/one-blog-at-a-time_b_816288.html)

(Here are the steps as adapted from the original AA 12 Steps in order to better suit the beliefs of the Beyond Belief Group in Toronto – originally found on their blog from Toronto – http://beyondbeliefgroup.blogspot.com/2009/12/twelve-steps-revisited.html – Mike H.)

1.           We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.

2.           Came to accept and to understand that we needed strengths beyond our awareness and resources to restore us to sanity.

3.           Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of the A.A. program.

4.           Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5.           Admitted to ourselves without reservation, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.

6.           Were ready to accept help in letting go of all our defects of character.

7.           Humbly sought to have our shortcomings removed.

8.           Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

9.           Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10.        Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11.        Sought through mindful inquiry and meditation to improve our spiritual awareness, seeking only for knowledge of our rightful path in life and the power to carry that out.

12.        Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

(The following is a  brief “edited” essay and explanation of the writing and purpose of the adapted steps,please see the full essay here: http://beyondbeliefgroup.blogspot.com/2009/12/twelve-steps-revisited.html – Mike H)

It would be disengenuous to say that the decision to change the wording of some of the steps was a hard one to make. Hardly an alcoholic (other than Bill W.) has not expressed a desire to rewrite the program’s core literature to suit his or her own tastes at some point. We have among us, though, enough sober thought to have come to the realisation that the steps are the core of the program, and that it is crucial that they remain unchanged in their essense if they are to remain effective. There are many “godless” versions of the steps floating around, and the majority of them are poor paraphrases at best, and weakened to the point of meaninglessness at worst. Our group conscience tells us that the steps need to be made more accessible to everyone who needs them, but that the wording and character of the steps must remain as close to the original as possible. Six of the steps—those that make no reference to a deity—remain untouched in our version. We sincerely hope that we have managed to find an accurate spiritual and psychological mapping between our version of the remaining six steps and the original versions of those steps. Some of these are still in flux; we have a “close enough for now” version, but feel we haven’t quite hit the nail quite squarely on the head yet.

And for anyone who is interested, steps three, seven and eleven — particularly eleven — were (and are) the really sticky bits. Each can be restated in a manner that is not in conflict with anyone’s spiritual beliefs, but it is difficult to do so elegantly and without losing the essential nature of the required action. Step eleven, for example, easily tosses the word “prayer” at us, and that little gem of a word is the poster child for semiotic entanglements. Writing the eleventh step as a medium length article for a magazine is easy; writing it so that it can be read at the opening of a meeting and still leave time for discussion is somewhat less so. Still we try, since if we knowingly leave a barrier between the suffering alcoholic and the ability to perform any one of these steps, we are failing to perform the twelfth step ourselves.

And to those who object to the rewrite on the grounds that we are somehow meddling with scripture, a reminder: not a single one of those who had achieved sobriety at the time the Big Book was written had heard of the Twelve Steps before Bill wrote How It Works, and at least one of the “Holy Hundred” managed to get sober despite being an atheist. Try to keep an open mind, and try not to engage in contempt prior to investigation. None of us has the right to let another die of our own dogmatism.

Agnostic AA Meetings:

• Agnostic AA Meetings Worldwide -  USA, Canada, England, France  – This list of meetings is for recovering alcoholics who may prefer meetings with an agnostic/atheist/non-religious orientation.
• Agnostic  AA Meetings Toronto – AA Toronto Agnostics - welcoming agnostics, atheists and freethinkers.
• Agnostic AA Meetings in New York City - This list of meetings is for recovering alcoholics who may prefer meetings with an agnostic orientation.

You ask me how to pray to someone who doesn’t exist
How to pray to something which is not,
Something you don’t believe, some fantasy of other’s imaginations
How can you be honest and indulge in sycophantic kneeling,
For you , you are a thoughtful man… or woman
Interested in the pursuit of truth.
I commend you for asking this question.
I praise you for your integrity
And I shall answer your question this way…

Come join us in prayer,
In a profound act of humbling ourselves in the presence of
The Entire Universe
Not just the stars and the planets and the galaxies
But one that includes every fleeting thought and feeling
Of every human and animal that has ever lived,
A Universe that includes every smell, every concept, every myth
That has ever entered the mind of man, every hope…
Come join us as we kneel
As people have knelt for thousands of years, connect with all of them.
Let us pray, not as a petition, but as an acknowledgment
Of our humble place in the Universe
Of forces existing outside our control.

Pray for the strength to accept what is
So you can clearly plot your future path
Pray for perspective so your creativity can flower
Pray to let in beauty
Of flowers, of mountains, of a woman’s cheek or a man’s caress
Pray to acknowledge your fearfulness
Pray to be here right now, humbly
In this moment where we are together
And all is still and there is no fear.

Pray for gentleness from the Universe
As it deposits you softly on the shore
Before tumbling down on its mad, thunderous torrent
Pray that we can all learn to care about each other
Even if we give just one hoot.

Prayer is that delicate strand
The spider takes to get to the other side
Where peace and hope and a myriad truths exist
Where smells are sweet and touches are soft
Where your pain can rest on petals.
And later, as you lie on your deathbed
You can remember with wonder, the healing and strength
That prayer gave you in your tumultuous days
And nights

And you can wonder again, if it exists,
That mysterious entity beyond understanding
That we have called whatever we wished.
You can wonder if existence itself existed
And rejoice at the loving presence around you

Prayer is an attitude, it is not the words:
Do not seek proof of God
For who are you to decide if God exists?
Neither accept nor reject the hypothesis
Do not go about loudly proclaiming your conclusions
Focus instead on the stillness within you
And as you are seared during the pursuit of truth
Rejoice in the courage of humans to strive
Let your kneeling be a testament to your striving
Draw strength from the thousands, nay millions
Who have knelt before in seeking a respite
From incessant drinking
Pray for calm,
Pray with gratefulness,
Pray for perspective and sanity.

source: We Agnostics – http://weagnostics.com/prayer.html

Many members of AA, both newcomers and old timers, have been challenged by the concept of God. Some reject outright the whole idea of a supreme being while others of us are simply incapable of accepting a classical view of God.

The word Agnostic literally means one who rejects Gnosis, which is the claim that spiritual or mystical knowledge exists. At the other extreme, some Agnostics believe in God but assert that they do not comprehend what it is in which they believe. While spiritual traditions exist that do not invoke the concept of God, the program of Alcoholics Anonymous calls for a “Higher Power of our own understanding.”

It is important that the newcomer to AA who is interested in this program of recovery is not pressured to accept a classical belief about God and His existence. We expect to provide a safe space for you to inquire into the concept of such a Higher Power that will be acceptable to you personally. We wish to show you that AA is a system of practice, not of beliefs. Certain beliefs may help us in our personal journey towards sobriety but we do not foist our beliefs on others. The program calls for the acknowledgment of forces in the universe outside of the will of the individual but does not attribute specific qualities to such power. Although some have found it helpful, it may not be necessary to believe that such an intelligent Being actually exists with a will and intentions for each of us.

In Agnostics in Alcoholics Anonynmous, we do not ask you to believe in anything except belief that recovery is possible.

We follow the twelve steps without the overtones of moralism (imposing one’s morals on others) or subscribing to any specific faith, dogma, belief or superstition. We do not have any opinion on the truth or incorrectness of any belief but also, we ask that you respect people’s right to their own beliefs and interpretations even if you strongly disagree. We also ask that you respect their skepticism about any beliefs you may have. If you proclaim belief in something during your comment at a meeting, we ask that you also explain how that belief helps you stay sober.

The format of meetings includes agnostic-based discussion of recovery topics. Newcomers are also encouraged to bring up phrases that they have heard at AA meetings that they have had trouble understanding or accepting. We examine the idea contained in that phrase and explore different ways of relating to it from an agnostic viewpoint. We reject rigidity in interpretation but invite alternative viewpoints. In the spirit of openness we ask that you avoid criticizing anyone or rejecting their interpretation, but frame your comment as adding to what has already been presented.

We make space for everyone to express their questions and doubts in the spirit of open inquiry. We consider honest doubt while seeking the truth to be the basis of spirituality just as others have considered sincere beliefs to be the basis of spirituality. We respect and honor everyone exactly where they are in their search for sobriety and sanity in life.

source: We Agnostics – http://weagnostics.com/

Agnostic AA Meetings:

• Agnostic AA Meetings Worldwide -  USA, Canada, England, France  – This list of meetings is for recovering alcoholics who may prefer meetings with an agnostic/athiest/non-religious orientation.
• Agnostic  AA Meetings Toronto – AA Toronto Agnostics - welcoming agnostics, atheists and freethinkers.
• Agnostic AA Meetings in New York City - This list of meetings is for recovering alcoholics who may prefer meetings with an agnostic orientation.

This is a partial list of universal spiritual principles which have been taught repeatedly by many of the world’s greatest spiritual teachers throughout history including the Buddha, Jesus, Lao-Tsu, etc. One of the most often disputed and challenged beliefs promoted here concerns the great similarity and agreement among the most influential spiritual gurus, teachers, religions, spiritual paths, etc. when their teachings are properly interpreted or understood. I firmly believe that strengthening the bridges that connect various faiths and celebrating the similarities is much more spiritually principled than tearing them down and adopting divisive fundamentalist belief systems in which only one’s own group can ever be right & making everyone else wrong.

(This list of universal spiritual principles is a work in progress; there are currently a few overlapping principles listed here.)

•     Practicing humility; deflating the ego (ego deflation seems to be a central pillar of any real spiritual practice, although it’s not often called ego deflation per se)
•     Making peace
•     Mindfulness of the present moment
•     Constantly monitoring one’s stream of thoughts to keep them positive and compassionate (closely related to mindfulness of the present moment)
•     Not worrying about the future
•     Not dwelling in the past
•     Non-attachment (to things, people, places, ideas, habits, etc.)
•     Constant awareness of & connection to the Source (Mother Nature, God, Tao, Universal Intelligence, Creator, creative force, the universe, or whatever else one might choose to call the Unknowable Realm)
•     Applying spiritual principles not only to humans but creation in its entirety (nature, creatures, pets, trees, etc.; basically everything)
•     Hope; maintaining a positive outlook, even in the face of despair
•     Focusing on unity, oneness, and similarities instead of division, separateness, and differences
•     Tolerance and acceptance; refraining from criticizing, condemning, complaining (classic Dale Carnegie; this is not an easy one for most of us, i.e. me)
•     Forgiving others when we are wronged
•     Displaying courage in the face of fear
•     Following your heart, not worrying about the opinions and beliefs of others; avoiding habitual conformity
•     Open-mindedness, flexibility, remaining teachable; willingness to learn and to objectively explore and study, rather than blindly accepting whatever you are told you “should” do or “ought” to believe
•     Bringing truth to error
•     Displaying faith* in the face of doubt
•     Showing kindness to neighbors; loving neighbors as ourselves
•     Living with integrity (being the same person no matter whom you’re with)
•     Practicing brotherly love
•     Employing perseverance and discipline in the face of obstacles
•     Seeking opportunities to improve the world by asking, “How may I serve?”
•     Practicing daily meditation to increase awareness and mindfulness
•     Practicing quiet contemplation to develop insight, wisdom
•     Treating others as we would like to be treated (the golden rule)
•     Facing hatred with compassion; loving your enemies
•     Practicing honesty; telling the truth, avoiding lies
•     Compassion; wanting more for others than you do for yourself
•     Avoiding fideistic, rigid, fundamentalist worldviews
•     Appreciation, gratitude
•     Wonder, fascination (I’m not sure about these yet though I did notice they were included in another, shorter list of universal spiritual principles)

* Faith: the belief that living by these basic, universal, common-sense spiritual principles will lead to a full life overflowing with compassion,
deep friendships, following passions and interests,
and eventually leading to inner peace or even enlightenment
(that amazing “peace that passes all understanding”)

source: Search for Truth – http://www.allisnow.com/blog/spiritual-principles/

Related Article : 10 Signs Of A Spiritual Awakening
Welcoming Transformation Within Yourself

CNN Editor’s note: Marya Hornbacher’s latest book, “Waiting: A Nonbeliever’s Higher Power,” explores what spirituality can mean to the recovering person who does not believe in God.

By Marya Hornbacher, Special to CNN

(CNN) – Kicked back with his boots on the table at the head of the smoke-dense room, the meeting’s leader banged his fist and bellowed, “By the grace of this program and the blood of Jesus Christ, I’m sober today!”

I blinked.

This was not an auspicious beginning for the project of getting my vaguely atheistic, very alcoholic self off the sauce.

I wondered if perhaps I’d wandered into the wrong room. I thought maybe I’d wound up in Alcoholics Anonymous for crown-of-thorn Christians, and in the next room might find AA for lapsed Catholics, and downstairs a group for AA Hare Krishnas and one for AA Ukrainian Jews.

But a decade later, I’ve become aware that 12-step programs are home to people from every religion, denomination, sect, cult, political tilt, gender identity, sexual preference, economic strata, racial and ethnic background, believers in gun rights and abortion rights and the right to home schooling, drinkers of coffee and tea, whiskey and mouthwash, people who sleep on their sides or their stomachs or sidewalks.

Anyone who cares to sober up, in other words, can give it a shot the 12-step way.  The official preamble Alcoholics Anonymous states: “The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking.”

And millions of people want that and find a way to do it in this program. I’m one of them. I was, not to put too fine a point on it, a raging drunk. Now I’m not.

It wasn’t magic; it was brutally hard work to get from point A to B. I do believe I’d be dead without the help of the people and the structure of the steps in AA.

But I don’t believe in God.

And this can be something of a sticking point when you’re sitting in a meeting room, desperate for almost any route out of hell, and someone cites “the blood of Jesus” as the only way to go. Or when you realize that six of AA’s 12 steps explicitly refer to God, a Higher Power or He.

But this shouldn’t be a dealbreaker. I’m going to make a lot of old-style AA’s cranky with this, but it’s perfectly possible to sober up sans belief in God.

At first that wasn’t clear to me. It’s unclear to most people because AA has a reputation as a cult, a religion unto itself, a bunch of blathering self-helpers, a herd of lemmings or morons, and it isn’t those things, either. It’s a pretty straightforward series of steps, based on spiritual principles, that helps people clean up their lives in a whole lot of ways.

But if you are of an atheistic or strongly agnostic mindset, chances are you’ll walk into a meeting, see the steps hanging on the wall and want to scream, laugh or walk back out.

I tried another tack: I made a valiant attempt to believe. I figured a) these people were funny, kind, and not plastered; b) they believed that some kind of higher power had helped them get sober; c) they knew something I did not.

So I did research. I read every word of AA literature I could find. I read up on the history of half a dozen important religions and a wide variety of frou-frou nonsense. I earnestly discussed my lack of belief with priests, rabbis, fanatics and my father.

People told me their stories — of God, the divine, the power of love, an intelligent creator. Something that made all this. Some origin, some end.

I told them I believed in math. Chaos, I said. Infinity. That sort of thing.

They looked at me in despair.

And not infrequently, they said, “So you think you’re the biggest, most important thing in the universe?”

On the contrary. I think I am among the smallest. Cosmically speaking, I barely exist.

Like anything else, I came into being by the chance, consist mostly of water, am composed of cells that can be reduced and reduced, down to the quarks and leptons and so forth, that make up matter and force. If you broke down all matter, the atom or my body, you’d arrive at the same thing: what scientists call one strange quark, with its half-integer spin.

And I find that not only fascinating but wondrous, awe-inspiring and humbling.

I believe that the most important spiritual principle of AA is humility. The recognition that we are flawed, that we can and must change and that our purpose not only in sobriety but in life is to be of service to others.

I believe that I exist at random, but I do not exist alone; and that as long as my quarks cohere, my entire function on this hurtling planet is to give what I can to the other extant things.

That keeps me sober. Amen.

CNN: The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of Marya Hornbacher

source: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2011/08/28/my-take-an-atheist-at-aa/

Osama Bin Laden is Dead: A Mindful Response
By Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D.

In his or her wisdom, an unknown person once said:

“I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”

Osama Bin Laden is dead.

What does that mean exactly?

Vindication? A cause for celebration? Justice served? Revenge?

When I heard the news I was surprised, “Wow, I can’t believe it really happened,” was the thought that came up in my head.

Then I clicked on a video showing me the crowds of lively people screaming and jumping around in jubilation around the death of a man screaming, “USA, USA, USA,” like we had just won the World Cup.

I had this gut feeling that the reaction seemed sort of strange. This wasn’t like we just kicked in the winning goal, we just killed somebody, it seemed like I was watching some kind of dark comedy.

I thought what was the difference between what I was seeing on the video and a crowd standing cheering while some enemy was getting stoned to death in front of us?

You see, my reaction wasn’t to Osama Bin Laden dying, he was a man who caused so many people much lifelong pain and I’m glad we don’t have to worry about him anymore (that doesn’t mean we don’t have to worry about others who want to cause us harm.)

But something just seemed off, as if we weren’t processing our emotions around this properly. It was a good day for America, yes, but a day for cheering, laughing and jubilation?

Anyway, I decided to sleep on it.

This morning when I woke up I saw a post from Susan Piver who seemed to have the same reaction as me.

She said something that made a lot of sense:

“Look at your own reaction this morning.

    Was there even a hint of vengefulness or gladness at Osama bin Laden’s death? If so, that is a real problem. Whatever suffering he may have experienced cannot reverse even one moment of the suffering he caused. If you believe his death is a form of compensation, you are deluded.

    There has been an outpouring of misdirected jubilation, as if a contest had been won. Nothing has been won. Unlike winning a sporting event, this doesn’t mean that our team has triumphed. Far from it. There is only one team and it is us.”

How long will it take or maybe a better question is what will it take for us to recognize that we are all connected to one another? Causing pain to another group of people is a strange place to derive happiness from. It seems to be a false happiness, at the root it’s really anger or fear.

Thich Nhat Hanh has a wonderful saying, “Peace in ourselves, Peace in the world.”

This isn’t a Pollyanna notion that we should all just hold hands, pretend there’s no war, pain, and trauma, this is a very real and practical path toward creating a better world.

We need to learn how to take a good look at the wars we have raging inside each and every one of us in response to our own personal traumas in life. Whether that’s the death of a loved one, harm inflicted on us, or some form of emotional trauma and learn ways to create peace within ourselves.

It’s a very simple path, but not at all easy. That’s why we default to being reactive and causing more war. Just my opinion here.

So goodbye Osama Bin Laden may the families and friends who have suffered at your hands feel more at peace without you around. And may you be at peace with the wars that raged within you to the point where you held the misguided delusion that killing thousands of people was somehow a path in the right direction.

May we all be free from our misguided reactions to the wars within and help guide all people into a direction of greater empathy, compassion, and peace within ourselves and the world.

source: psychcentral.com (http://blogs.psychcentral.com/mindfulness/2011/05/osama-bin-laden-is-dead-a-mindful-response/)

see also: Osama bin Laden is dead. One Buddhist’s response, by Susan Piver

Life just isn’t fair, it really isn’t.  There are a lot of kids out there having some rough circumstances.  Divorcing parents, abuse, hunger, family drama, living in war zones, having terrible diseases, etc.  And there are children living with committed parents, no health problems, and in a safe neighborhood.  But does that guarantee how good of a parent they might be in the future?  Not necessarily.

When I think of people who’ve suffered and made a good life for themselves, I think of Viktor Frankl.  He was a Jewish doctor specializing in the budding field of psychology before World War II.  He was captured by the Nazis and spent three years in various concentration camps.  His parents and wife were killed, leaving only
him and his sister as survivors in the family.

Frankl had every reason to hate life, resent the Nazis for killing his family, resent his loss of time being a prisoner, and be generally miserable from his experiences.  Instead, he found ways to deal with the suffering that gave it meaning.  He insisted that the Nazis could do anything horrible to his body, but could do nothing to control his mind.

That would only happen if Frankl allowed it.  He adapted by making conscious choices in his mind that kept him living and looking forward.  He also helped other prisoners by inviting them to do the same.  They held imaginary holiday feasts together, told stories, and he gave lectures about life in the concentration camp to an imaginary audience.

He created a new movement in psychology and wrote a book called “Man’s Search For Meaning”.  The German title translated back to English reads “saying yes to life in spite of everything.”  I actually like that title better.  That seems to be something that nearly anyone could connect with.  Say yes to life in spite of your mother being mentally ill and ignoring most of your childhood.  Say yes to life in spite of having leukemia as a kid.  Say yes to life in spite of your parents divorce.

It’s not a cure-all approach, more like a moment-to-moment approach.  You can choose the focus your mind takes, and no one else controls that unless you let them.  If you are riddled with inappropriate guilt, beat yourself up when people criticize you (like your dad), or hold back your trust for all women because you couldn’t trust your mom, then you are trapping yourself.

I’m not saying Frankl didn’t sometimes feel sorry for himself or get bothered by it sometimes.  He wasn’t perfect so I’m guessing he didn’t have a perfect record refocusing his mind.  But he persisted, which is the point.  It preserved him somewhat, helped him turn something awful into a launching pad for new and fulfilling chapters of his life.  And it’s something you can do, too.  If you’ve had a difficult childhood or had trauma in your life, that doesn’t mean you are doomed to be a bad parent or never have stability.

You can, if not overcome, at least move through your times of difficulty with some sense of control.  You
can’t really choose emotional reactions because they’re somewhat irrational and impulsive.  But you can manage your focus of thought, your decisions, and your actions.  Say yes to your life in spite of everything.

– Erika Krull, MS, LMHP is a practicing licensed mental health counselor in Nebraska. Visit her site marriageincrisistoday.com to learn more about saving a troubled marriage.

source: PsychCentral.com (http://blogs.psychcentral.com/family/2009/07/bad-childhood-doesnt-guarantee-bad-life/)