another great post found over at RecoveryIsSexy.com
Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA’s)
Fear of losing control.
ACOA’s maintain control of their feelings, their behavior, and try to control the feelings and behavior of others. They do not do this to hurt either themselves or others, but because they are afraid. They fear that their lives will get worse if they relinquish control, and they get very anxious when they cannot control a situation.
Fear of feelings.
ACOA’s have buried their feelings (especially anger and sadness) since childhood and cannot feel or express emotions easily. Eventually they fear all intense feelings, even a good feeling such as joy.
Fear of conflict.
ACOA’s are frightened by people in authority, angry people, and personal criticism, so that they often mistake common assertiveness on the part of others for anger. As a result of this fear ACOA’s are constantly seeking approval, and they lose their identities in the process. They often find themselves in a self-imposed state of isolation.
An over developed sense of responsibility.
ACOA’s are hypersensitive to the needs of others. Their self-esteem comes from others’ opinions of them, and thus they have a compulsive need to be perfect.
Feelings of guilt when they stand up for themselves instead of demurring to others.
ACOA’s sacrifice their own needs in an effort to be “responsible”, and therefore avoid guilt.
An inability to relax, let go, and have fun.
Trying to have fun is stressful for ACOA’s, especially when others are watching. The child inside is terrified, and in an effort to appear perfect, exercises such strict control that spontaneity suffers.
Harsh, even fierce, self-criticism.
ACOA’s are burdened with a very low sense of self-respect, no matter how competent they may be.
Whenever ACOA’s feel threatened, they tend to deny that which provoked their fears.
Difficulties with intimate relationships.
Intimacy gives ACOA’s the feeling of losing control, and requires self-love and the ability to express one’s needs. As a result, ACOA’s frequently have difficulty with their sexuality, and they repeat relationship patterns.
They see themselves as victims.
ACOA’s may be either aggressive or passive victims, and they are often attracted to others like them in their friendship, love, and career relationships.
ACOA’s may work or eat compulsively, become addicted to a relationship, or behave compulsively in other ways. Tragically, ACOA’s may drink compulsively, and become alcoholics themselves.
A tendency to be more comfortable with chaos than with peace.
ACOA’s become addicted to excitement and drama, which can give them their fix of adrenaline and the feeling of power which accompanies it.
The tendency to confuse love with pity.
As a result, ACOA’s often love people they can rescue.
Fear of abandonment.
ACOA’s will do anything to preserve a relationship, rather than face the pain of abandonment.
The tendency, when under pressure, to see everything and everyone in extremes.
ACOA’s are very susceptible to stress-related illnesses.
Suffering from a backlog of grief.
Losses experienced during childhood were often never grieved for, since the alcoholic family does not tolerate such intensely uncomfortable feelings. Current losses cannot be felt without calling up these past feelings. As a result, ACOA’s are frequently depressed.
A tendency to react rather than to act.
ACOA’s remain hypervigilant, constantly scanning the environment for potential catastrophies.
An ability to survive.
If you are listening to this list, you are a survivor.